Dave in a Nutshell

Being a vegetarian, I never quite warmed up to this picture.
But yup, that's our Dave in a nutshell. Always such a happy boy.

Go ahead!! Break the law(s)! Kill wonderful people! It’s ok - You can STILL WALK FREE!!

Break the law(s)! Kill wonderful people! It’s OK - You can STILL WALK FREE!! No strings attached, really!!! And no, I’m not talking about the rules within some third world, barbaric society, this is your very own country, the U.S. of freakin' A!!!

Did you know that it’s TOTALLY acceptable, at least in Massachusetts where we favor criminals, to break MULTIPLE laws, go out of our way to KILL ANYONE, even people who are simply minding their own business???  Try it!  My boyfriend’s murderer did! And you can still keep your vacation on schedule for next week!!  Heck, all that the state will ask for as bail on night #1 is a measly $1k – SMALL CHANGE!!  That’s right, our very own forgiving little state protects us from murderous criminals with a payoff of an obligatory $1,000 dollars, and he’s still walking free, 14 months after he committed this murder, with no end in sight. Fortunately, we were able to increase that to $10k before he was let out, but isn’t that just lovely. Our sweet, brilliant, handsome, well-rounded David Laduzenski’s life was worth $10k for one evening behind bars, of this asshole’s already way-too-long life.  That’s all that this murderer has paid for the crime of taking someone’s life - a life that was bound to’ve been so much more than his very own.  So this is supposed to suffice for those who loved him?? God forbid our state would bother to put a cap on crime and discourage fatalities on our neighborhood streets from reckless drunk drivers. Thanks a million, Massachusetts.  

It's recently occurred to me that some people did not realize that the guy who killed our David has been walking totally free all of this time. Did YOU know that??  He gets to prolong his freedom all he wants, pushing the trial out as long as he can.  Sounds a bit fishy to me!!  And judging by the amount of direct feedback I get from my postings on here, I think it sounds pretty fishy all around, to the general public... makes absolutely NO SENSE. And we're told to expect no more than 2 - 2.5 years max, in the slammer for this killer, if this ever even gets to trial.  So this is all that an outstanding person's life is worth... 2 - 2.5 years.  So much for "criminal justice."  More like criminal favoritism.   

And I retract what I said on Fox News when my David was first murdered - that his killer "didn't mean it."  That's completely irrelevant, and I didn't understand that back then.  I was in shock and had only gone a few days without seeing him - it hadn’t become real to me yet. Because it doesn't MATTER if this murderer meant it or not - truth is, he broke the law committing multiple simultaneous offenses (he was on cocaine and driving DRUNK), killed my boyfriend FOREVER, someone whom everyone absolutely loved and admired (also irrelevant – what matters is that he is DEAD), and this beast gets to continue living and breathing and functioning and smiling!!!!  He gets to mess around with his poor, stupid kids and wife still. He gets to KEEP his organs – he gets to walk like nothing happened. God forbid he or any of his family members consider walking a mile in any of our shoes.

Meanwhile, I’ve still seen no trace of an apology on his killer's behalf. Nothing even remotely close to remorse from him or his kin, nor has there been any acknowledgment of all of the ruin that he single-handedly caused in our worlds. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose, right??  Instead, he’s decided to take the approach of claiming that he’s totally innocent – not even drunk or coked up when he hit and killed our David, and that Dave "jumped out in front of him in the road," according to the police report.  Even though the tire tracks and the position of my boyfriend's corpse indicate otherwise, and even though Dave always had a right mind and was taught by his parents correctly at a young age to look both ways before crossing the road, Street Sense 101. Go ahead - prolong your time in the sunshine, you sick fuck.  Karma's a bitch.  Go on teaching your kids that this is the way to act in your tactless, immoral world.  True “criminal justice” would have seen this bastard as the roadkill that he made out of our sweet Dave. 

Anniversary

So it's been a year today.

This world really is a piece of strange. It is still so incredibly unreal beyond belief to look at the following words, to say them out loud, to believe them:

Dave is dead.

Dave is dead.

DAVE IS DEAD.

Earlier this week I had a long chat with Dave's sister Sarah on the status of our status quo. We remarked on how immensely we've both changed in this surreal, Daveless year. Sarah noted how some days, thinking about Dave being gone forever is more fathomable than other days, but sometimes it's just completely impossible to wrap our brains around it. What the hell is it that causes our near-acceptance of the raw facts during certain times and the polar opposite other times?

No words can describe the personal evolution that transpires when your person dies so tragically, so unexpectedly, so undeservingly. I feel like if I can withstand the likes of this experience, I can handle anything. Anything emotionally-trying, that is.

Yes, I just knocked on wood.

The part of the personal transformation that I AM able to put into words, is that I now harbor greater patience for others' shortcomings, so long as said shortcomings are with good intent. But I have little tolerance for rudeness and disrespect toward fellow peers, or people who are short-circuited with each other. I don't understand why folks are harsh on each other due to their own insecurities, or how someone can let his or her poor attitude affect the flow of someone else's day. I’m tired of people’s negativity and frustrated by dishonesty and selfishness, tenfold over how I was before. Life is just too damn short to bother wasting our time spreading negativity.

I certainly look at life through a much more adventurous lens now and am more likely to accept a challenge as its presented to me. I’m also more bold and ballsy - more direct with my interactions. And I embrace the necessity of honest, real love and the importance of making that our hub through life – in the grander scheme of things, as well as our smaller daily gestures.

I don't recommend anyone going through this at all in their time here on earth; life-altering experiences like this will consume every last fiber of your being for an indefinite amount of time. I’ve looked at this from every angle possible and in every possible context until it barely existed at times. However, yes, it’s going to happen to us all. It’s scary seeing that this loss is such a part of life, in letting nature take its course with our inevitable aging and subsequent health failure (or the reverse order). Either that or some other force first comes into play, as was the case with our poor Dave -- we'll all eventually endure this unbearable pain to some degree and have to see our favorite people fade away. And I shudder to think of how ill-equipped most people are to handle a life-altering tragedy as the death of their loved one, with the hope of coming out with their head above water. Fortunately I had a pretty solid world and a healthy mental state, coupled with a brilliant group I call my support network, to help get me through this. If you don't already have a strong psyche, an open-minded outlook, and a fistful of loving friends and family, watch out: you’re probably pretty screwed.

I write this one from the airport in Charlotte, on my stopover coming home from a business trip in Orlando. The memorial anniversary mass is taking place right now, with most of our families and many of our mutual friends, and I can’t even be there. And while I hate that, there’s also something sweet about staring out the window on the plane into the distance, at the clouds and feeling closer to his free spirit there than I might feel in a church.

Dave, we will all continue to deeply miss your free spirit, your electric honesty, your profound sincerity. You are so truly loved by so many. My cocktail is finished and it’s time for my next flight. See you in the sky.    

A Birthday Toast

Last night I sat on the couch with roommate Kelly, watching Ghost Hunters like we often do, drafting up what I thought would be my fancy blog entry for Dave’s birthday. Long story short, after some valiant efforts, I ended up giving up in mid paragraph b/c it just wasn’t culminating into the noteworthy masterpiece that I envisioned, and I decided to crash for the night (after another episode of Ghost Hunters and maybe a showing or two of 'Intervention').

So tonight, I’m parked on my favorite comfy couch yet again, schedule cleared, sucking down some of Dave’s favorite vino – Tierra Divina Malbec, listening to his favorite Motown artists, intrusively giant white candle consuming the best of the coffee table in front of me. 

And a particular toast comes to mind… one that Dave might have even called his favorite, that he said quite often. One that the self-proclaimed "literal, sarcastic antagonist" would likely've had me post on his behalf. One that you, as a reader, likely will not see coming.  

So Lad, tonight, on your 30^th birthday, here is my toast to you. I can hear you saying this to me, almost clear as day, like you always used to say it:

Cheers to you,

Cheers to me,

If we ever disagree,

Cheers to me!

Love you always, my David Laduzenski.

Coincidence? You'll never know.

I always feel so guilty when I hear people say there are no coincidences and that everything happens for a reason, in the context of this lifetime thing.


Truth is, Dave tragedy aside, my life has been beyond incredible. I can't help but think of what the sayings "there are no coincidences," and "everything happens for a reason," imply for inner city kids or families living off one bowl of rice for a week on a dirty river in China.  What is their reason for a life of violence, famine and pain? Or people who are born with a chronic illness or debilitating disorder? The only "reason" that could exist for their suffering through life is if they had done something wrong in some past life then, or were somehow 'destined' to screw up massively in a future life, right?  Because, quite possibly, they weren't even given the capacity to fuck up (sorry mom) so badly in this lifetime.  So, logically that means we'd all have to've had past lives... And yes, I'm making the assumption that living clear-headed and happy, fraught with fewer mental and physical challenges is living more ideally than the alternative. It sure as hell is a lot easier.


What about how the world's population has more than tripled in the past X amount of years - what was happening to some of those souls who exist physically in human form now but were nowhere to be found back then because the world population didn't allow for it??  Were they just grasshoppers before this life, since there weren't enough human bodies to meet the soul quota? So have I been a grasshopper? Shouldn't I have a greater affinity for grasshoppers now if I were, in fact, a grasshopper in a previous life? Why isn't there something more cool and obvious to tether all of these life/afterlife experiences together, since that's apparently the way of it, according to the death/spiritual authorities? Our experiences with existence in general should accumulate - should add up to something so we're not just hitting refresh each time around. I'm beginning to err toward believing in some afterlife thing because stuff has just been a little too weird not to at least embrace this doctrine a little, but Jesus this world is complex. I give up. For now.

Love Poem Expired

Here's an old poem I once wrote for Dave back in the day, about the day we met... just found it in one of my piles today:

He looked at me
An embracing glimpse
Held on tight indefinitely
A curious smile rounding his cheeks
Fearless, adventurous, curious
To all that lies ahead

We walked around
Through timeless hours
Unwinding our past
Sharing our memoirs
Each anxiously giddy
yet strangely calmed
By the ease of our synergy
Taking shape.

We danced through eachother's minds all day
We danced our days together
To the night
Guided by instinct and
Desire for more.

You may never understand
the muse that is you.
How the taste of your wine
And the subtleties of your genuine spirit
The suave of your sponteneity
And the candor of your dialogue
Affected me that day
But I left our day's moment
Knowing you were the one.